So, I've been feeling...tired. Ella has been teething a lot, not sleeping well, and the holidays are coming and I'm quitting my baby-sitting job and, and, and...
So this morning when Abby clobbered my baby-sitting client in the head with a hard plastic toy, I just lost it. I mean, really. Lost. It.
I yelled. I berated. I shamed. I put her in her room. It was just awful.
I of course apologized and asked for forgiveness, but of course it's too late and the damage has been done. I should not have tried to teach Abby how to be gentle and kind and loving when I've been so stressed out. I should have just left the room and moved on with my day. I should have had a cup of coffee.
But NOOOOO, I had to drive the point home that we treat our friends with kindness and respect all the while yelling at her to STAY IN YOUR ROOM!!! I said many unkind and disrespectful things to my dear 3 year old child, all in the name of teaching her to be virtuous. I lost my temper with her while screaming at her to control hers. I expected more of her than I could deliver. And I am 9 times her age. I've had 28 years to develop good moral character, self-control, love, self-discipline, and gentleness. She's had just 3.
Sometimes, like yesterday, I feel I am a good mother. After all, I am with two 3 year olds and a 10 month old all day long, the house is relatively clean, we do fun and educational things, I get the errands and groceries done (3 kids in tow in case you forgot!) and generally cook healthful meals for the family.
And then today happened and I feel like the worst mom in the world.
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