When you are having a bad week...

Do NOT attempt to instill some sort of values on your kid. Seriously. It will all go wrong and back fire and you will look like a psycho momma in desperate need of sleep and a break.

So, I've been feeling...tired. Ella has been teething a lot, not sleeping well, and the holidays are coming and I'm quitting my baby-sitting job and, and, and...

So this morning when Abby clobbered my baby-sitting client in the head with a hard plastic toy, I just lost it. I mean, really. Lost. It.

I yelled. I berated. I shamed. I put her in her room. It was just awful. 

I of course apologized and asked for forgiveness, but of course it's too late and the damage has been done. I should not have tried to teach Abby how to be gentle and kind and loving when I've been so stressed out. I should have just left the room and moved on with my day. I should have had a cup of coffee. 

But NOOOOO, I had to drive the point home that we treat our friends with kindness and respect all the while yelling at her to STAY IN YOUR ROOM!!! I said many unkind and disrespectful things to my dear 3 year old child, all in the name of teaching her to be virtuous. I lost my temper with her while screaming at her to control hers. I expected more of her than I could deliver. And I am 9 times her age. I've had 28 years to develop good moral character, self-control, love, self-discipline, and gentleness. She's had just 3. 

Sometimes, like yesterday, I feel I am a good mother. After all, I am with two 3 year olds and a 10 month old all day long, the house is relatively clean, we do fun and educational things, I get the errands and groceries done (3 kids in tow in case you forgot!) and generally cook healthful meals for the family. 

And then today happened and I feel like the worst mom in the world.

Sleep Training the Mama...

When she goes to her own bed to sleep, I just miss her so much, I long for her comforting touch, breathing in her smell, her warmth....knowing she is there with me. I long to snuggle right up to her. I lay awake wondering if they are ok, wondering what on earth is wrong with me that I can't just fall asleep. No, I'm not portraying the inner thoughts of a baby left alone in a crib at night... I miss my babies when they are not in bed with me. 

Ok, so I am adamantly opposed to sleep training an infant or child. Anything that leaves a baby crying unanswered is disgusting to me. 

BUT, *I* need to be sleep trained. 

I'm exhausted. Ella is waking up every 1-2 hours a night, which is understandable, she is still a baby and all that. I am not expecting her to sleep through the night (although I wouldn't complain if she did!) However, at night, rather than hop into bed and catch up on much needed sleep as soon as the kids go to bed, I stay awake, piddling around online, reading my stack of 50 million books, making crafts, or cleaning (not often). 

A smart person would go to bed. A smart person would recognize that Ella's longest stretch of sleep happens from about 8-11 pm, so it would behoove me to go to sleep then. But NOOOOO, I'd much rather torture myself and waste time! 

And what is with the not being able to sleep alone??? You would think after 3.5 years of crowded space, I would LOVE to have the bed to myself. No, no I don't want that. I SAY I do, but when it happens (rare) I lay there, awake, waiting and longing for one of them to wake up and join me. I almost want to get them UP AND OUT OF THEIR OWN BED and bring them in with me (and I have done that on many occasions. I just love having them snuggled up next to me. Abby is quite the excellent snuggler. She just molds her body right up to mine and it's so sweet. 

Ah well, someday, I'll get enough sleep. I'll get my full, uninterrupted 8 hours, more on the weekends, and even a mid-day nap. I'll have all the time in the world to do what I want, when I want, how I want. My house will be spotless, and meals will be made from scratch, ready by 6 pm. Laundry will be folded and put away promptly, and everything will be in it's place.

For now though, I snuggle.

Sigh.